Hollywood toys with the idea of Lego

With the recent success of Tintin at the cinema (who actually looks more like a digitised version of LaRoux), it would seem that the vice-like grip of nostalgia has looped its manipulative fingers even further around the purse-strings of Hollywood producers.

It’s been just over 24 hours since I heard the announcement that Hollywood’s making a feature-length film about Lego, and I’m still dead inside.

Not content with a whole theme park dedicated to its angular world of primary colours, these little figurines with their comb-over hairstyles and semi-paralysed limbs are intent on the silver screen.

Maybe it’s because I’m a cynic, or perhaps it’s because I had (and still have) a debilitating lack of logic so severe that even stacking rectangular blocks to resemble a makeshift home was a little out of my remit… I just can’t buy into this cinematic venture.

In a universe full of depressingly low levels of originality, why couldn’t we have a celluloid interpretation of something a bit more, well, inspiring?

I’d rather see Cluedo turned into a detective thriller.  After all, you can’t deny: Cluedo was the sexiest boardgame of our youth. It had the essential ingredients of mystery, decadence, middle-class murder, and the wanton fox that was Miss Scarlett. In fact, the film could centre around the affairs of this feline-figure (I’m seeing Scarlett Johansson here. Need I explain?) as she systematically entices and seductively murders each and every character on the board. You know, like a really arousing, unsolved episode of ‘Poirot.’

Or maybe ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Buckaroo.’ Perhaps the schizophrenic toy donkey comes to life and reaps his revenge on all the children who broke every animal rights law when they loaded him with ridiculous amounts of back-breakingly heavy accessories. It’d definitely need Eddie Murphy on board (the undisputed – albeit homophobic – voice of the donkey kingdom).

Lego, take a backseat. If Harvey Weinstein isn’t knocking on my door demanding the rights to these wistful classics by the end of the week, I will personally donate my body to ‘Operation: The Movie.’

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