The sound of a billionaire spinning in his grave

The Hollywood Reporter:

The highly anticipated Steve Jobs biopic, jOBS, will close the 2013 Sundance Film Festival

Whoever came up with that name should lose his/her jOB.


‘The Mummy’ resurrected


Universal Pictures has tapped ‘Prometheus’ scribe Jon Spaihts to pen a reboot of ‘The Mummy’ franchise, which Sean Daniel will return to produce…

Great news. ‘The Mummy’ is a guilty pleasure of mine. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s the casual racism. Or Brendan Fraser’s male pattern baldness.

Hopefully this will also lead to a reboot of the ‘Scorpion King’ series. Then we’ll have a reboot of a prequel to a sequel to a prequel to a remake.

Another reason why Clooney’s great

Nothing’s more tiring than media-fuelled speculation over the sexual orientation of film stars (e.g. Kevin Spacey, Tom Cruise, Jake Gyllenhaal). And often outright denials only help to reinforce homophobia. That’s why this interview with George Clooney was so unexpected:

The Advocate:

The gay rumor has followed you for years.
I think it’s funny, but the last thing you’ll ever see me do is jump up and down, saying, “These are lies!” That would be unfair and unkind to my good friends in the gay community. I’m not going to let anyone make it seem like being gay is a bad thing.

My private life is private, and I’m very happy in it. Who does it hurt if someone thinks I’m gay? I’ll be long dead and there will still be people who say I was gay. I don’t give a shit.

I love George Clooney. No homo.

Congratulations, Jennifer. Condolences, Hollywood.

Today is a big day for us all. Jennifer Aniston, best known for staring intently into David Schwimmer’s eyes, has finally gotten her star on Hollywood’s “Walk of Fame.”

No idea why she’s posing as though she’s putting her handprints in cement. Maybe she’s doing an impression of Marley from ‘Marley and Me’.

Oscar Nom Nom Noms

The Oscar noms were announced yesterday. The Best Picture category predictably includes the critically panned ‘War Horse’, ‘The Help’ and ‘Extremely 9 and Incredibly 11,’ all of which tugged on the heartstrings with such mathematical precision that you felt violated by the time the credits rolled.

I would try to find an animated .gif to encapsulate how especially angry I am about the ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close’ nomination, but I just think an animated .gif of the September 11th bombings would suffice. And even that would seem less exploitative than the film was.

If only Mark Wahlberg could’ve stopped *this* tragedy from happening instead…

Where’s Michael Fassbender’s nomination for his marvellous turn in the sextraordinary* (*I’m sorry) ‘Shame’? Apart from the expected nominations for George Clooney and Jean Dujardin, the Best Actor category is a bit of a let-down. If you had trouble getting onto IMDb last night, it’s because I was desperately trying to figure out who the hell Demián Bichir (‘A Better Life’) was at the very same time. I suppose Gary Oldman deserves a nod, but I still feel Fassbender’s raw energy outshines all in the category (although, as you may have guessed, I have yet to see/hear of ‘A Better Life’).

Also, where’s Tilda Swinton’s nomination for the maternal nightmare, ‘We Need To Talk About Kevin’? More like ‘We Need Not Talk About Kevin’, amiright? Huh? Well, I suppose we all know it’s between Viola Davis (‘The Help’) and Meryl Streep (‘The Iron Lady’) realistically.

On the other hand, the Best Supporting Actor nominations are just about bearable (since it’s already a foregone conclusion that Christopher Plummer will win every award this season for his depiction of an *whispers it* elderly homosexual). I’m still very pleased and surprised to find Max von Sydow on the list, too (the only redeeming quality of the otherwise Kleenex-abusing ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close’). The one bizarre inclusion is for Jonah Hill (‘Moneyball’) who just plays an accentuated version of his own self. In the ever-increasingly unlikely situation that he does get the award, I hope it’s on the condition that it’s melted down and then poured onto his pre-adolescent head.

Best Supporting Actress is more dispiriting. Really, the Academy think Melissa McCarthy’s comedic face contortions (‘Bridesmaids’) are worthy of a nomination? Voters must clearly prefer listening to gross-out catchphrases (“Gonna climb that like a tree”) rather than the deep, insightful yearnings of Carey Mulligan a la ‘Shame.’ Also, everyone who was mad over Hailee Steinfeld (‘True Grit’) being stuck in this category last year can now direct their misplaced ire at Bérénice Bejo’s very same nomination for ‘The Artist’.

And don’t even get me started on the Best Director list! Seriously, the only way these Oscars would be worth watching is if Glenn Close decides to come dressed as Albert Nobbs:

Christopher Plummer burns some bridges

I love watching actors sitting around chatting. Usually it’s just George Clooney talking about the countless number of corns he’s seen on women’s feet (seriously), but sometimes it gets truly revealing: kudos to Mr Plummer, who’s starting to vaguely resemble a Spitting Image puppet from the 1980s, for pointing out the pretension of Terence Malick here as a director:

“The Irony Lady”: Guardianistas Gasp

Couldn’t agree more with Flashjordan’s comment on the Guardian’s website:

Why has this film got a wide release in Scotland whilst “The Artist” doesn’t?

Seriously, who the fuck in Scotland wants to see this movie???

Getting Scotland to sympathise with Margaret Thatcher is like asking chickens to vote for Colonel Sanders.