Nick Nolte and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are starting to look dangerously alike.
No? Well, I’m sorry I even brought it up.
I’ve only just noticed the similarities between the posters of these 2011 films.
I mean, Jane Eyre was totally the Lisbeth Salander of the nineteenth century.
This is the time when all film critics release their Top 10 or 5 Films of the Year list. Unfortunately, I’m not paid to visit festivals to watch motion pictures before their official release (I’m not bitter).
Instead, I thought I’d choose my Top 5 Worst Movie Titles of 2011.
(And please note: in the interest of not filling every entry with blockbusters like ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules’ and ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked’ the entire portfolio of children’s films have been omitted on compassionate grounds.)
5. We Bought A Zoo
Like ‘Jumanji’ but with more cages and financial transactions, ‘We Bought a Zoo’ is a does-what-it-says-on-the-tin movie. Since it’s a predictable choice I’ll tuck it in here at number five, kiss it on the forehead, dim the lights, and simply move on to the much, much worse.
Suggested alternatives: ‘We Bought A Zoo?’ (If you add a question mark, it instantly becomes an Ashton Kutcher vehicle and can then be immediately discredited.)
4. Mission-Impossible: Ghost Protocol
That hyphen ain’t foolin’ no one! It’s only included because ‘Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ would look like punctuation overkill.
Suggested alternatives: ‘Mission: Impossible: Colon: Reloaded?’ (As long as people don’t mistake the anatomical version with the punctuation mark.)
3. J. Edgar
Very similar to ‘Hugo’, it’s neither a creative nor interesting title. ‘Paul’, also. But my Dad’s named Paul and he would weep if he heard me say that.
Suggested alternatives: ‘F.B.I. Love You.’
2. Source Code
This annoyed me no end, especially as it’s a good film. When I recommended it to friends, they all heard it as ‘Sauce Code.’ Like I harboured some secret recipe for Ragu.
Suggested alternatives: ‘Remorse Code.’
1. The Adjustment Bureau
Hardly ‘Inception’, is it? “I’ve made a mistake on my tax returns. Better call The Adjustment Bureau.” Also, you may have noticed that two Matt Damon movies bookend this list; he’s had a tough year.
Suggested alternatives: ‘The A-Team.’
Side note: If you’re interested, my favourite film title of the year was ‘The Skin I Live In’ (incidentally also Ed Gein’s favourite).
Ugh. We get it, James Cameron. You like water and 3D. Time to move on.
Cowboys & Aliens
Step-By-Step Guide to Getting A Movie Made Nowadays: 1) Write down two nouns on a bit of paper 2) Hand it in to Harvey Weinstein. (Seriously, I’m flying out to his home tomorrow to pitch my film: Paedophiles vs. Wombles.)
No Strings Attached
Um, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher just having random bouts of sex? I think I’ll give that a miss. Said everyone.
Friends with Benefits
Despite being a carbon-copy of ‘No Strings Attached’, this film was touted as “the perfect date-night movie,” presumably based on the criteria of: Mila Kunis being hot, Justin ‘the trousersnake’ Timberlake being hot and the resulting sex, therefore, being hot. Personally, I recommend you skip both these boring films, and just watch the two female leads making-out in ‘Black Swan.’ Now that’s a scene I haven’t forgotten.
This ‘comedy’ ensemble film has already been torn to shreds by countless critics across the world due to its clichéd, inconsequential stories that are full of overly simple pratfalls and resolutions.
It’s not so much a movie as it is a challenge to your soul. I mean, it’s one thing for a movie to have a boring plot. It’s quite another to have ten boring plots, each more cliched than the next.
But here’s some people who could’ve spiced things up (and I’ve even written some cutesy, innocuous lines for them to read):
Ryan Gosling: “Anything happens in that five minutes before and after midnight and I’m yours, no matter what.”
Nicholas Cage: “If you love me, meet me here on January 22nd.”
Tang Wei: “January 22nd?”
Nicholas Cage: “Chinese New Year’s Eve…” *winks*
Dustin Hoffman: “YOU WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT WATCHING THAT DAMN BALL DROP THAT YOU LET OUR MARRIAGE DROP!”
Gary Oldman: “I can’t see 20-20 with these new damn glasses.”
Benedict Cumberbatch: “I’d rather see 2012 with you.”
Can’t decide which film to see!
Which one has more sad guys holding their backpack strap with their right hand?
One of my favourites to follow on Twitter is Mike Figgis, acclaimed director of ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’
And he seems to only ever use Twitter as his Google:
Or a way to rehabilitate his career and reassure himself that “all is fine, honest”:
You know why you’re “[film] star free,” Mike? Because you spend your time insulting almost everyone in the business:
Maybe there isn’t anything “behind the curtain,” except a ginger man wallowing in his own self-pity…