Nick Nolte and Phillip Seymour Hoffman are starting to look dangerously alike.
No? Well, I’m sorry I even brought it up.
I’ve only just noticed the similarities between the posters of these 2011 films.
I mean, Jane Eyre was totally the Lisbeth Salander of the nineteenth century.
This is the time when all film critics release their Top 10 or 5 Films of the Year list. Unfortunately, I’m not paid to visit festivals to watch motion pictures before their official release (I’m not bitter).
Instead, I thought I’d choose my Top 5 Worst Movie Titles of 2011.
(And please note: in the interest of not filling every entry with blockbusters like ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules’ and ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked’ the entire portfolio of children’s films have been omitted on compassionate grounds.)
5. We Bought A Zoo
Like ‘Jumanji’ but with more cages and financial transactions, ‘We Bought a Zoo’ is a does-what-it-says-on-the-tin movie. Since it’s a predictable choice I’ll tuck it in here at number five, kiss it on the forehead, dim the lights, and simply move on to the much, much worse.
Suggested alternatives: ‘We Bought A Zoo?’ (If you add a question mark, it instantly becomes an Ashton Kutcher vehicle and can then be immediately discredited.)
4. Mission-Impossible: Ghost Protocol
That hyphen ain’t foolin’ no one! It’s only included because ‘Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ would look like punctuation overkill.
Suggested alternatives: ‘Mission: Impossible: Colon: Reloaded?’ (As long as people don’t mistake the anatomical version with the punctuation mark.)
3. J. Edgar
Very similar to ‘Hugo’, it’s neither a creative nor interesting title. ‘Paul’, also. But my Dad’s named Paul and he would weep if he heard me say that.
Suggested alternatives: ‘F.B.I. Love You.’
2. Source Code
This annoyed me no end, especially as it’s a good film. When I recommended it to friends, they all heard it as ‘Sauce Code.’ Like I harboured some secret recipe for Ragu.
Suggested alternatives: ‘Remorse Code.’
1. The Adjustment Bureau
Hardly ‘Inception’, is it? “I’ve made a mistake on my tax returns. Better call The Adjustment Bureau.” Also, you may have noticed that two Matt Damon movies bookend this list; he’s had a tough year.
Suggested alternatives: ‘The A-Team.’
Side note: If you’re interested, my favourite film title of the year was ‘The Skin I Live In’ (incidentally also Ed Gein’s favourite).
Ugh. We get it, James Cameron. You like water and 3D. Time to move on.
Cowboys & Aliens
Step-By-Step Guide to Getting A Movie Made Nowadays: 1) Write down two nouns on a bit of paper 2) Hand it in to Harvey Weinstein. (Seriously, I’m flying out to his home tomorrow to pitch my film: Paedophiles vs. Wombles.)
No Strings Attached
Um, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher just having random bouts of sex? I think I’ll give that a miss. Said everyone.
Friends with Benefits
Despite being a carbon-copy of ‘No Strings Attached’, this film was touted as “the perfect date-night movie,” presumably based on the criteria of: Mila Kunis being hot, Justin ‘the trousersnake’ Timberlake being hot and the resulting sex, therefore, being hot. Personally, I recommend you skip both these boring films, and just watch the two female leads making-out in ‘Black Swan.’ Now that’s a scene I haven’t forgotten.
This ‘comedy’ ensemble film has already been torn to shreds by countless critics across the world due to its clichéd, inconsequential stories that are full of overly simple pratfalls and resolutions.
It’s not so much a movie as it is a challenge to your soul. I mean, it’s one thing for a movie to have a boring plot. It’s quite another to have ten boring plots, each more cliched than the next.
But here’s some people who could’ve spiced things up (and I’ve even written some cutesy, innocuous lines for them to read):
Ryan Gosling: “Anything happens in that five minutes before and after midnight and I’m yours, no matter what.”
Nicholas Cage: “If you love me, meet me here on January 22nd.”
Tang Wei: “January 22nd?”
Nicholas Cage: “Chinese New Year’s Eve…” *winks*
Dustin Hoffman: “YOU WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT WATCHING THAT DAMN BALL DROP THAT YOU LET OUR MARRIAGE DROP!”
Gary Oldman: “I can’t see 20-20 with these new damn glasses.”
Benedict Cumberbatch: “I’d rather see 2012 with you.”
Can’t decide which film to see!
Which one has more sad guys holding their backpack strap with their right hand?
One of my favourites to follow on Twitter is Mike Figgis, acclaimed director of ‘Leaving Las Vegas.’
And he seems to only ever use Twitter as his Google:
Or a way to rehabilitate his career and reassure himself that “all is fine, honest”:
You know why you’re “[film] star free,” Mike? Because you spend your time insulting almost everyone in the business:
Maybe there isn’t anything “behind the curtain,” except a ginger man wallowing in his own self-pity…
Now I know there ain’t many Lautner fans out there at the moment (or ever, for that matter), especially after his first non-Twilight film ‘Abduction’ bombed at the box office (maybe his forthcoming role as Stretch Armstrong will wipe that smug grin off your faces), but shouldn’t we look on with admiration at his sheer relentless milking of the bloodied, sore teats of this cash cow?
Okay, he looks like a Llama that suffers from muscular dystrophy, and yes, maybe there is some truth behind the whole “he couldn’t act with a gun to his head” argument. But in the new Twilight film, ‘Breaking Dawn Part 1’, he takes this to a whole new level. In every scene, he acts as soullessly, robotically, and joylessly as possible. Occasionally, he seems close to expressing true emotion, but reigns himself in like the true pro that he is. It’s almost as if Taylor Lautner’s saying, “You wanna see bad acting? I’ll show you some bad acting!”
Way to stick it to the naysayers, Lautner.
Hello. Um, welcome. And so forth.
I was looking at my collection of DVDs yesterday (including ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’, ‘World at War’, and ‘Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things’ – a Holy Trinity of comedy, documentary and cautionary) when I noticed ‘A View To A Kill’ hidden behind the pile. With a free afternoon, I decided to watch it with the audio commentary supplied by the eloquent Roger Moore.
Now for those of you who’ve never seen it, ‘A View To A Kill’ is perhaps the most cheesy and balls-out fun Bond movie ever: a killer fly fisherman, a plot to submerge Silicon Valley underwater, and that scene where 007 decides to bake a quiche.
So with all that, you’d think octogenarian Roger Moore (who was last seen delighting audiences in a cameo role as a shifty-looking passenger on a gay cruise in Boat Trip) would seize the opportunity to chat about all the shenanigans on set, like the experience of filming a love scene that is far more harrowing and creepy than walking in on your own parents:
Instead, I was greeted by his solemn voice informing me of his decision not to discuss “what actually happened during the shooting of the film.” And he definitely kept his promise. Within minutes, he was talking about such things as Cubby Broccoli’s licence plate number, but then suddenly he delivered the most satisfying non-sequitur ever recorded.
Patrick McKnee was also my, uh, Watson when I played Sherlock Holmes, uh, which we shot at 20th Century Fox. With a wonderful all-star cast: John Huston playing Moriarty, and Gig Young, and um… David Huddleston, Jackie Coogan … an amazing, amazing cast. Produced and directed by Boris Sagal. Whose daughter was so wonderful in that, um, crass American series that I love, The Al Bundy Show… But Boris Sagal, he tragically died, uhhh, directing a film when he stepped back into a helicopter blade. Absolutely awful…To play Sherlock Holmes was as much of a challenge as playing Bond.